Tips for Addressing Email Overwhelm

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In a great New York Times Opinion piece, “Your Email Does Not Constitute My Emergency,” thought leader Adam Grant wisely addresses the email overwhelm echoed by many of my coaching clients. Here are some helpful tips from the piece:

• Stop apologizing for “slow” replies to your inbox: This is a symptom of the unrealistic demands of an always-on culture where we believe we are at the mercy of other people’s calendars. It’s also a recipe for burnout! Remember, “we’re all drowning in messages. If you didn’t commit to a deadline, you can’t be late.”

• Prioritize quality over speed: Although it can feel good to quickly fire off an email response before it has a chance to clutter our inbox, by prioritizing speed we often compromise the quality of the response we are offering. Not surprisingly, studies have shown that speed to reply to emails creates multiple disruptions in our concentration and destroys our ability to focus on the tasks at hand (including, the time it takes to thoughtfully respond to emails!).

• Mitigate stress to respond with one simple step: COMMUNICATE EXPECTATIONS.  Sometimes this is as simple as a quick reply letting the sender know when you’ll be able to give their email your full attention. However, many of my clients still struggle with what actually constitutes a reasonable response time.  For those who can relate, follow Adam Grant’s advice (also my own!) by letting go of the guilt and applying some self-compassion. “Instead of apologizing for your delay, you can express gratitude to your correspondent for being a reasonable human: ‘thanks for your patience.’”
  
  
  

Connecting During a Time of Distancing

These are tough times, and as we've been called on to create physical distance between ourselves and others, I've been thinking a lot about the gift of human connection and its impact on my work as a coach. 

Since starting my coaching practice seven years ago, I’ve had the privilege of working with people from all over the country and globe. When possible, I always enjoy meeting with my clients in-person, but in reality, the coaching relationships I’ve forged with numerous clients over the phone and video conferencing have been equally powerful and have made me a true believer in the boundless power of human connection.

Despite the physical and temporal distance separating many of us at this time, it’s been acutely important to me to keep honoring our shared connections so I’ve put together this list of resources that have resonated with me during these challenging times. True to my holistic coaching approach, you'll see that the selection below is diverse and speaks to different parts of my mind and heart. I hope you find value in them too.

• Saboteurs and the Coronavirus: As the world wrestles with this pandemic, the atmosphere seems rife with fear … a perfect breeding ground for our saboteurs to appear and multiply.  On several recent occasions, I’ve noticed how my Hyper-Vigilant saboteur and my Martyr saboteur like to take turns taunting me as I attempt to navigate these uncharted waters of family quarantine.   Thankfully, during this time, I’ve also been participating in a Positive Intelligence training program for coaches offered by Shirzad Chamine.  In addition to developing this free saboteur assessment you might find interesting, in response to the current conditions, Shirzad shared this short video on how to handle one’s own self-sabotage during the coronavirus pandemic.

• HBR, “That Discomfort Your Feeling Is Grief:” This piece, which appeared in the Harvard Business Review last week, offers a unique perspective on the myriad of emotions many of us are experiencing in the face of the coronavirus pandemic.  Here, David Kessler, the world’s foremost expert on grief, shares why it’s important to acknowledge the grief you may be feeling, how to manage it, and offers hope as to how we may ultimately find meaning in it. You can read the article by clicking here.

• Brené Brown’s New Podcast: For those who have enjoyed Brene’ Brown’s TED Talks and books as much as I have, she now has a new podcast, “Unlocking Us,” which she describes as “real  unpolished, honest and reflects both the magic and the messiness of what it means to be human.”  After listening to the first episode on “FFTs,” (hint: F---ing First Times) and her powerful interview with Glennon Doyle, I can assure you that Brene Brown’s straightforward, funny and heart-felt approach to this podcast will not disappoint. 

• Creative Inspiration: Recently, as I’ve struggled to find grounding, I’ve found myself drawn to a number of performers - from all different artistic backgrounds - who have been coming forward to share their gifts with the public in the spirit of solidarity and connection.  One of the most powerful examples I’ve come across is captured in this video of twenty Dutch musicians from the Rotterdam Philharmonic Orchestra who were forced to stay sequestered in their homes amidst COVID-19 shutdowns but still came together in harmony to produce a classic you will not want to miss. (make sure you have closed captioning on so you can see the translation of what they are saying).

External Eyes and Ears

Recently, a client of mine forwarded me a TED Talk that I had watched before but was eager to see again. “Want to Get Great At Something? Get a Coach,” was presented by Dr. Atul Gwande, a surgeon, public health professor and author of one of my favorite books, Being Mortal.  The TED Talk itself is well worth the watch and I am including it below.

Even as a renowned surgeon, Gwande reminds us that for many professionals, it’s not about how good you are now, but rather how great you have the potential to be that matters. Echoing a powerful theme that brings many of my clients to coaching, in his Talk, Gwande asks us to consider how professionals get better at what they do.  In other words: how do we transcend from good to great?  Dissatisfied by the more traditional, pedagogical view that “a professional is someone who is capable of managing [his or her] own improvement,” Gwande experiments with hiring himself a coach to observe him in the operating room.  The results, as he shares in his Talk, are profound, and yet not surprising for those of us familiar with the power of coaching.

With the effect of helping him significantly improve, Gwande describes his coach as his “external eyes and ears, providing a more accurate picture of [his] reality.”  As a coach, one of the greatest privileges granted to me by my clients is to serve as their “external eyes and ears,” bringing another level of awareness to their lives as they build on their strengths and navigate their vulnerabilities.  As Gwande experiences first-hand, it is through the coaching process itself – one of active observation, deep listening, and clear communication - that clients have the freedom to explore, improve and unlock the very greatness of their own potential.

Curious to learn more about how coaching can help you improve?  Contact me for a free 30-minute conversation.

Susan David: The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage

Psychologist Susan David shares how the way we deal with our emotions shapes everything that matters: our actions, careers, relationships, health and happiness. In this deeply moving, humorous and potentially life-changing talk, she challenges a culture that prizes positivity over emotional truth and discusses the powerful strategies of emotional agility.

Susan David, psychologist and author of the wonderful book, "Emotional Agility," offers this powerful TED Talk, sharing how the way we deal with our emotions shapes everything that matters: our actions, careers, relationships, health and happiness. In this deeply moving, humorous and potentially life-changing talk, she challenges a culture that prizes positivity over emotional truth and discusses the powerful strategies of emotional agility. 

Facebook Live Interview on Saboteurs

My first Facebook Live experience, with Stefanie Johnson from "A Swapping Good Time."  Stefanie invited me to talk about working with saboteurs in our everyday lives.

How Mindfulness Empowers Us: An Animation from "Happify"

I have been thinking a great deal about mindfulness lately, especially the power of recognizing our inner fears without trying to fight or succumb to them.  I love how this traditional tale, brought to life by animation, captures a somewhat abstract idea and reminds us of our own power "to choose what will strengthen and bring us into action and ... what we will gently let go of."

Mindfulness allows us to see our thoughts and feelings as they really are, freeing us from old ways of thinking. Want to give it a try? Download our iPhone or Android app, or visit http://www.happify.com for guided meditations and other mindfulness-building activities designed by experts.

Thoughts on Creativity

As a child, I was often praised for my unbridled imaginative play.  It was not uncommon for me to write, act, sing in, and choreograph my own productions (in which I was also in charge of set design!).  I was drawn to the performing arts and had many opportunities throughout my youth to sing and act in a variety of school productions.  To this day, these memories hold a certain magic of their own for me, and I still feel a jolt of excitement whenever a curtain rises.

I stopped seeing myself as “creative” around the time I got to college.  Ironically, I chose this college based on its strong performing arts reputation,  and yet it only took a few dead end auditions for me to disqualify myself as “the creative type.” 

From where I stand now, I want to reach out, shake my younger self, and let her know that no one should be talked out of thinking she is creative.  So often, this self-labeling is a product of external messages that we distort and internalize (e.g. “I did not get the part and therefore I am unworthy.”).  This form of self-sabotage is too common, and its message is hurtful and limiting.  However, it took two pivotal events in my life – one personal and one professional – to transform how I now think about creativity and my relationship to it. 

First, I am raising two playful, curious and imaginative children who remind me every day that we as human beings are innately creative.  My six year old does not think twice about drawing a picture to give to a friend, and my four year old will simply dance around our living room regardless of whether or not she has an audience.  I know this uninhibited form of expression will inevitably abate as they get older, but for now I feel privileged to routinely bear witness to their pure creative selves.

Second, my training and experience as a coach has taught me that being creative is an intimate affair; an expression of one’s core self.  It is as much about being as it is about doing.  This realization inspired the design of our workshop, “Ignite Your Creative Self!” and also fuels my work as a coach.  Each day, I have the joy of working with coaching clients to discover their utmost creative selves and harness this power to activate meaningful change in their lives.

Now, when I think about my most creative moments – whether performing on a stage, developing an idea at work, or letting my imagination run wild with my kids – I see that they all have one thing in common: the unapologetic presence of my authentic, joyful self.  It is in these enchanted moments, void of self-critique, that I feel my creativity ignite and anything becomes possible!

Back-to-School Transitions: Jitter Glitter and the Power Pose

Today I sent my oldest child, our precocious son, off to Kindergarten.  There is no doubt that he is bright, eager, and excited for his first day.  I know that he will make good friends, learn new things, grow in unprecedented ways, and have a ton of fun along the way. However, I would be lying if I ignored our collective jitters leading up to today.  There have definitely been moments this summer that I have observed our confident, social, and goofy kid become quiet and reclusive as the reality of starting a new chapter of his life sinks in. 

There is something about this back-to-school experience, and the feelings it conjures up, that reminds us of the inevitable challenges and “unknowns” that accompany any major life transition.  “Back-to-school” is just one of many rites of passage (a/k/a transitions) we encounter on our journey through childhood and into adulthood.   And as with any transition, it helps to know we are not alone and that we can directly affect the impact that the transition has on our lives.  There has been so much research and insightful writing about transitions, so rather than re-invent the wheel, I have chosen to share three resources that I recently discovered and have found most helpful during this back-to-school season.  Enjoy!

TED Talk:  “The Power Pose” (Amy Cuddy)
http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

Body language affects how others see us, but it may also change how we see ourselves.  Social psychologist, Amy Cuddy, shows how "power posing" - standing in a posture of confidence, even when we don't feel confident - can affect testosterone and cortisol levels in the brain, and might even have an impact on our chances for success.

Blog Post: The Two Words That Suck Our Power Away (Deidre Maloney)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deirdre-maloney/self-empowerment_b_2323093.html?utm_hp_ref=gps-for-the-soul&ir=GPS for the Soul

A blog piece on how reframing the question “What if…?” to “How can I…?” will put the power squarely back in your court.

Jitter Glitter (origin unknown)

Last week, at Kindergarten orientation, my son’s new teacher gave each child a poem on an orange piece paper with a small packet of green glitter attached with a staple.  My son was instructed to place the packet of glitter – labeled “Jitter Glitter” - under his pillow the night before his first day of school.  After googling “Jitter Glitter,” it appears that many teachers have used some version of this concept before, and yet my son and I were truly struck by the comfort and levity that this ritual provided.   The poem reads:

Jitter Glitter

The night before school is exciting and fun,
There is always so much that has to be done.
Your clothes are all ready; you backpack is, too.
Your class is full of interesting things to do.
So many questions going through your mind,
So many different thoughts of every kind.
Sometimes teachers and kids get the jitters down deep,
And that makes it hard to fall asleep.
This magic glitter is a present for you,
To help you be rested and ready for school.
Place the glitter packet under your pillow in bed,
The night before school starts when you lay down your head.
This glitter will help you sleep through the night,
And wake up feeling fresh and bright.
I’ll place the glitter under my pillow, too.
I can’t wait for tomorrow because I’ll get to see you!

The Power of Knowing What You Need: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!

I recently celebrated another birthday.  The day itself was rich with color, singing, and dancing.  I was surrounded by amazing people , ate delicious treats, and received some of the best gifts I could imagine.  I know this description conjures up a big birthday bash, but let me back up.  I actually spent the majority of my birthday weekend in a hotel meeting space right outside Boston Logan airport.  This was the fourth consecutive month I had spent an entire three-day weekend in an intensive coach training.

To be honest, I approached this birthday with the same trepidation I experience in most years; there is always this internal struggle between the fear of drawing too much attention to myself and feeling totally let down by others.  My inner-critic, or Saboteur if you will, goes something like this:  “No one really cares it’s your birthday.” “Why do you care so much anyway?” “Why can’t you be like most people and not get so worked up over one day?”  “Grow up!”  “You sound completely spoiled and ridiculous!”  And then comes this embarrassing, cringe-worthy image of myself as a child, captured on an old VHS video buried somewhere at my parents’ apartment:

Zoom-in on awkward ten-year-old Amanda, about 20 minutes before her birthday guests are due to arrive.  She is so excited that she cannot stand still, and bounces from one leg to the other.  She looks at the video camera with a huge silly smile and declares, “It’s my birthday!”  Pause. Awkward birthday girl moves closer to the camera, and giggles: “It’s my birthday!!” Another pause. This time, awkward birthday girl moves so close to the camera that the cameraman actually has to take a step back. Again she states without apology: “It’s my birthday!!!”

Fast forward 27 years minus one day, and, in front of the entire group, one of the trainers asked me how I would like to be honored and celebrated on my actual birthday the following day.  Feeling uncomfortable, I laugh off her question without providing an answer.  But the leader (who is also an experienced coach) does not let me off the hook.  She reminds us all of the power that comes from knowing what you need and articulating it to others. 

Luck would have it that the focus of our training weekend is how to be present, and go deeper, with a coaching client who is stuck with uncomfortable feelings.  The concept is that if we can explore these feelings, rather than avoid them, then they lose some of their power. From there, we have more space to find a place of resonant choice and articulate what we want.   So here was my chance to examine some powerful questions:  What did I want and need for my birthday to have meaning?  Why was “this ask” entangled with embarrassment and anticipation of being let down?  What was it about the awkward ten-year-old version of myself that I found so hard to acknowledge?

By the end of the day, armed with new coaching tools and a different perspective, I was able to state the following to my colleagues and our trainers: “Tomorrow, it would be nice if you would acknowledge my birthday when you see me … and I always like getting hugs …. and I really like sweets.”  It was easier to say than I had expected, and I thought I recognized some relief and excitement on others’ faces as they heard from me what I wanted.  Later that evening, I had a similar conversation with my husband.  I told him that going out to a nice restaurant would feel exhausting to me after a long weekend of training.  Instead, I wanted to spend time with him, and our kids, and thought it would be nice if he cooked us dinner.  Oh, and a bottle wine to share for after the kids went to bed!

So here is how it all played out:

-       The morning of my birthday, I woke up before the others because I had to leave for training by 7:30am.  I received some delicious, sleepy, “happy birthday’s” from my husband and kids, and drove off feeling blessed.  I knew I would get to celebrate with them later, and that they loved me.

-       I felt happy and peaceful on my drive to the airport hotel.   I knew that my birthday would be recognized in a way that had meaning for me.  I also realized that I was going to spend the day with a group of people I absolutely adored while learning and doing work that makes me feel alive.

-       When I got to my training, there were smiles, hugs, birthday donuts and flowers.  During the morning break, I was ushered aside by one of the assistants and then invited back into the room where my friends and colleagues serenaded me with a birthday song and dance … and beautiful cupcakes!

The rest of the day was focused on wrapping up our training.  As the day went on, I was struck by all of the “gifts” in the room.   The gift of knowing what I needed to feel honored on my birthday.  The gift of being present with a group of colleagues who come prepared to share their authentic and vulnerable selves each time we convene for trainings, and then use this power to transform their own lives and the lives of others.  And lastly, the gift of reconnecting with that ten-year-old version of myself and seeing her as a vibrant, dynamic, and precocious girl that knew how she wanted to be celebrated on her birthday.

Lessons Learned From the Spin Studio

“On Thursday mornings, I have spin class,” I mention casually to various acquaintances.  And then I delight in their reactions:  “Wow, I’ve heard that’s really intense!” “I tried that once and hated it!” “I don’t think I could do that … can you really keep up?” 

Of course those who actually know me know there is nothing “casual” about my decision to take a spin class.  In fact, when I first joined the gym and was shown the Spin Studio, I slyly remarked, “you definitely will not see me in there,” and backed away from the blasting music and smell of sweat.  In truth, however, I was quite curious about the energized and loud woman with a commanding presence at the front of the room shouting out instructions to a group of sweaty cyclists who seemed to be loving it.

As a life coach, I try to understand what motivates people, what keeps them in resonance, and how to keep them engaged in the face of challenge so that growth can occur.  This particular spin instructor - we’ll call her “Delilah” - seemed to have the answers, and so after a month of gym membership, I took the plunge and joined the class.

Below are some coaching lessons I have learned from Delilah in the Spin Studio:

1. Love what you do.

You cannot fake this.  Delilah’s passion for an intense aerobic workout is evident in everything she does.  It feeds her energy (which appears to be boundless!) and is infectious among those in her charge. 

2. Be present with those you coach.

Delilah does not sit on the sidelines, yelling out instructions for others to follow. No.  She is in front of the class, on her bike, demonstrating every movement and instruction that is given.  As a member of the class, you know that she is sharing the experience with you and is physically and mentally tuned into the energy of the room.

3. Have fun and be funny.

When things feel tough, it is easy to get serious.  But when I get too serious about a task at hand, I tend to lose momentum.  I admit there are moments when my quads are aching, my butt hurts from the bike seat, and my gaze falls to the ground.  This is too hard.  I can’t do this.  But then Delilah starts singing to the music, or cracks a funny joke, and I feel my energy rise as a smile spreads across my red and sweaty face. 

4. Know when to challenge and when to let recover.

Delilah knows that in order for us to take on a challenge (e.g. pick up the speed, increase the resistance), we need space to recover.  Although I consistently workout much harder than I would if I were going at my own pace, I never feel as though a challenge is insurmountable if Delilah encourages us to slow down, take some deep breaths and rehydrate.  It’s amazing what can then be accomplished!

5.  Captain of the team.

Having never played team sports as a child, I feel giddy when Delilah refers to the class as her team.  “Come on team,” she shouts, “you can do this!”  I look over my shoulder and see my classmates spinning along and all of the sudden I feel part of something bigger.  The group’s energy rises as we propel ourselves forward.  We believe in our Captain and she believes in us.